CSI
CSI, in Sardinian "Crimine Scena Investigazione", is a hyperrealistic tv show in which the Americans show up to the rest of the world as easily as they solve crimes down there.
a tipycal crime scene
Quote
"There is sperm everywhere!"
~ Classical exclamation just arrived at the crime scene
"There are two crocodiles and a orangomango, two little demented and squaqquera real, the crazy, the thing, the vagina, do not miss any more, just do not see the two-leo assholes!"
~ CSI Opening Credits (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WsQ7Gw7EMw)
"CSI(si es ai) che t'รจ vir a fa?" (If you know them, you watch them for what?)
~ The Neapolitan about CSI
"In terms of bullshit on the analysis of the bodies they beat me!"
~ Dr. Dance about CSI
"If we angle the image of 15.76 °, we put it in the mirror, we add the semen found at the beginning we will get the face, the name and address of the murderer!"
~ All the episodes of CSI
"I cannot wait to close this case!"
~ Any CSI agenton on the case opened 10 minutes earlier.
Plot
CSI Las Vegas
Set in the picturesque town, the team does not accept trivial cases as a murder for a stab wound in a Swiss bank or a boy hit by a Hummer with bumpers for buffaloes. It accepts only cases in which the victim or the crafty villain have been connected with strange and perverse fetish satanic-Nazis. As the prostitute dressed as a raccoon killed by a rubber phallus covered with swastikas and then left inscribed in a pentagram on fire. Of course any fetish, hobbies, sports, passions of pre-Columbian civilizations has already been tryed or studied by one of the members of the team. They do EVERYTHING. Note that while 90% each episode is night and that most of the investigations are concentrated in places like strip clubs and like them.
CSI Miami
Here it's different: the team wants only cases in which their charismatic and very goooood boss Horatio must console broken families, widows and orphans and then fire a tsunami of bullets to: criminal, offenders, pedophile, rapists, murderers, superevils who steal Christmas. In this series, the televiewer sees himself projected directly in one of the most desired places by all: Miami.
Palme, asses, clear waters, asses, beautiful cars, asses, luxurious estates of some fag ... um sorry rich man who didn't know how to spend his money and, in addition, a dazzling omnipresent sun , which makes ALL yellow... Yes, CSI Miami is all yellow, CSI New York No. Usually these places remain in the collective imagination as a quiet and devoid of these "heavy blows" scene where billionaires, owners of yachts and whores are killed in the most absurd way (to remember the episode in which a man was found with a spear in the chest and attached to a wall of a boat).
However, the fact remains that these five losers who have not found work as lifeguards revel in solving cases which not even Mrs. Fletcher would have thought.
There are two things: either in America by now people to don't go to the jail hires geniuses like MacGyver to escape from these mastiffs with sunglasses, or are these one themselves to, 2 or 3 hours before, settle the corpses in a strange way accompanied by some stoner and doped up that gives him the advice.
And in the end there is always justice for all.
CSI NY
Set in the Big Apple (which is far from the backside of Pavarotti), this super fucked up team accepts only cases that have to do with the troubled past of former soldier of Mac Taylor, the sad and mysterious boss of the team... In CSI New York everything is gray, in CSI Miami No.
The seminal fluid
Despite the differences between a series and the others, all have one thing in common: the seminal fluid. Traces of it, in fact, can be found in almost all of the crime scenes, making the episodes much more exciting for women and gay.
Conventions universally hatchets
The TV show presents a series of absurd and science fiction conventions, totally and perfectly normal, however, to the eyes of everyone in the tv series. This has fueled the conviction that the show is not actually set on our planet, but in the parallel dimension of Earth-YouKnowIt. These conventions pass from the laws of chemistry, physics to the basic common sense to not mention decency, evidence of the passage through XP,of any CSI in Epic Levels which in addition to making him universally known (despite the anonymity) from every badass serial killer on the planet. However, The Conventions give to CSIs particular advantages:
- Zoom view: Each CSI makes implanting himself a bionic improvement of the retinas. Watching a normal man, the agent will see even at 10 meters and in the moment of greatest pathos during the conversation with the man himself, a tiny seed of strawberry in the flap of the pants of the suspect. This seed has in the eyes of the agent has the size of a watermelon of medium weight. Instead of finding the presence of the seed not worthy or of relief, the agent will pick it up with tweezers from the shaken suspect. This is for the following power...
- Probativeness of Sowing And of Insect (aka Alwaysspecializes Encyclopediality Univocal Snapshot): Any seed or insect found on a suspect or a victim is not there by accident. The plant or insect lives only in one place in the hemisphere, which is the scene of the crime or the garden of the killer. Obviously, the agent is a walking encyclopedia and he knows it by heart, i.e. the blonde cop knows instantly recognize in the nose of a victim, a spore of algae that comes only to 15 meters deep, so the crime was committed by a sub (yes, really). This power is enhanced by the synergy with the power of:
- Distance Devastation of the Criminal Wardrobe: By focusing, the agent makes sure that the murderer has not changes of clothing available nor the possibility of burning the clothes with which he committed the crime and buy new ones, or even less to wash, also for many days. For this reason, every murderess will always go to the police station to witness his innocence with the clothes with which he committed the crime, yet completely covered with blood and/or seeds and spores fucking findable only on the crime scene, which of course will affect the agent as a punch in the eye. For the same reason, although in Miami there are 40 degrees, a suspect will hold in the house the yellow raincoat with which he was filmed by a camera on the scene of the crime, and he will go with it to open the door to the police (yes, it is true as well).
- Chemical Enhancement of Luminol: While on our planet luminol takes time, darkness and specific films to be seen and recorded, the CIS from Earth-YouKnowIt enhances it with a distillate that prepares in his garage. The enhanced luminol as soon as it comes into contact with a milliliter of blood between two tiles, it emits a radioactive light capable of illuminating a day a disco.
- Small Flashlight of the Power: The agent further enhances his Zoom View with a fucking small flashlight that he always pulls out in any indoor environment. Pointing it in a refrigerator (obviously open and with its light), the agent identifies better for some strange reason the evidence.
- Photoshop's Plug-in: using a mysterious program each agent of the CIS is able to transform an image of 2x2 pixels into a super ultramegahigh definition one, where of course there will be a clue to find the culprit.
Tipical conversation
Gil: Nick, what the fuck is going on?
Nick: Gil, this man has been killed 3 times with a pudding
Gil: Nick but this is impossible!
Nick: But yes Gil. And here we have evidence in the pancreas.
Gil: Nick what you have found, OH MY GOD!?
Nick: Analyzing the pancreas under the microscope of a chemistry set, I found traces of pudding murderous Gil.
Gil: Nooo!!
Nick: Exactly Gil.
Gil: OH MY GOD!
Nick: And I also know who did it.
Gil: Nick Tell me please!
Nick: No Gil, we first have make pass another hour. Otherwise it ends immediately.
<<Sunglasses>>
Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhh!!
~ Credits
Note
The original page is in Italian here!
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